1895. The first year, Harvard beats Penn in the mile relay for the first championship before 5,000 fans.
1896. The Philadelphia Inquirer reports that the 1896 Relays offered “no confusion, no delay, no interference of any kind” and that the grandstand presented “an interesting scene with its hundreds of pretty girls and charming women.”
1897. The Carnival draws 28 colleges and 34 schools for relay races as the beautiful weather provided the opportunity for the spectators to wear “rich gowns.” P. Williams won the one-mile bicycle race.
1898. Penn forfeits the mile relay as the Quakers’ R.D. Hoffman “jostles” White of Chicago. The Philadelphia Inquirer reports that Penn admitted its mistake, which led to Chicago being named the champion.
1899. The Yale men’s squad becomes the first team to claim at least three champions in a single carnival while Penn’s amazing Alvin Kraenzlein sets world record with a long jump of 24-3 1/2.
1900. Alvin Kraenzlein’s world record in the long jump is shattered by Myer Prinstein of Syracuse, who popped a best of 24-7 1/4. Prinstein would win gold in the triple jump at the subsequent Paris Olympics while Kraenzlein would win four gold medals (60m, low and high hurdles and the long jump).
1901. Calling the Penn Relays a “scene in which color ran riot,” the Philadelphia Inquirer reported that 9,000 fans watched Harvard’s H.B. Clarke overcome a deficit in the anchor leg of the four-mile relay to claim victory.
1902. The entry list for the Relays balloons to 125 schools and colleges as Arthur Duffey of Georgetown wins the 100-yard dash for the third straight time, this time matching his world record of 9 4/5 seconds.
1903. The Philadelphia Inquirer reports that “the closeness of the competition … made enthusiasm run high and Penn’s big playground re-echo the cheers and cries of the crowd in the stands.”
1904. Franklin Field draws 13,000 spectators and Ralph Rose of Michigan steals the headlines by equalling the world record in the shot put (48-2).
1905. John Garrels of Michigan wins the discus throw, but his toss of 135-0 1/2 is not counted as a record because of the “peculiar style of discus used.” Newspaper accounts did not specify further.
1906. Michigan again led the news, this time by shaving 15 seconds off of its four-mile relay record, finishing in 18:10.4. Penn also broke the previous record, but still finished more than 100 yards behind the victors from the West.
1907. Claude Allen of Syracuse soared to a meet record of 12-1 1/4 in the pole vault, which was about 3 1/2 inches shy of the collegiate record. Allen’s mark is now nearly two feet shy of the Relays’ women’s record.
1908. The Inquirer noted, “The afternoon started and ended with beautiful weather for the sports. The glorious sun brought out the women and girls in all their spring finery, but an inconsiderate dust storm, followed by a hard shower, made the merry widow hats look a little limp.”
1909. The Penn Quakers ended Michigan’s six-year run in the four-mile relay as the number of schools and colleges entered into the Carnival topped 200.
1910. The New York Times reported that 20,000 spectators watched the Eastern schools reclaim Relays superiority as Penn swept the one-, two- and four-mile events.
1911. Cornell mile sensation John Paul Jones led the Big Red to its first Relay title, setting an American record in the four-mile relay with a time of 18:08 4/5.
1912. Heavy rains and ankle-deep water ruled the day at the 18th Penn Relays. The New York Times said that the 10,000 spectators stayed “to do honor to the speed and brawn of the Nation.”
1913. John Nicholson of Missouri broke the world record in the high hurdle qualifying heats, clocking a time of :15 1/5. He won the final in :15 4/5.
1914. The Relays goes international when Oxford enters the four-mile relay. The Oxford team includes future mile world record-holder Norman Taber, a Rhodes scholar from Brown, and the reigning Olympic champion, Arnold Jackson. Penn runs Oxford stride for stride in the rain and mud, with Penn anchor Wally McCurdy barely losing to Jackson at the tape.
1915. The Relays spill into Friday for the first time “in order to provide features for both days several new stunts,” according to the Philadelphia Inquirer. Southern Cal’s Fred Kelly claimed the high hurdles for the second straight years.
1916. Already a two-time Gold medal winner, Penn’s Ted Meredith was the focus of the news accounts. “For a distinctly spectacular setting, Ted Meredith’s performance in the sprint medley relay race was the rare gem of the afternoon,” said the Inquirer. “Penn, in winning this race from Chicago, Wisconsin, Princeton, Michigan and Columbia, broke the record…”
1917. Northeast High of Philadelphia, behind the speedy Dewey Rogers, laid claim to the one-mile relay Championship of America in a record time of 3:33 4/5.
1918. From the Inquirer: “There was not a dull moment and the contests were enjoyed by an enthusiastic crowd which did not measure quite up to the size of those of other years. Nevertheless, the carnival was a success from a sporting viewpoint, and while records did not fly the contests were all spirited and interesting. The crowd, however, did not lose sight of the many troop trains that went past the field on the elevated tracks. Attention was taken from the field in order to wave to the boys in khaki as they leaned far out the car windows.”
1919. Cold weather was the talk of the Relays as the host school held off Nebraska in the one-mile relay.
1920. John Watt of Cornell set a world record in the 440-yard hurdles, finishing in 54 1/5, but the focus was the team from Oxford-Cambridge that established a world mark in the two-mile relay in a time of 7:50 2/5.
1921. Washington High School of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, crushes the Relays record in the mile relay by clocking a time of 3:27 2/5. That time, which would last as a meet record for nearly two decades, is fewer than five seconds behind the pace of the college winner (Syracuse) that year.
1922. Penn set a world mark in the two-mile relay (7:49 2/5) which led to the New York Times writing, “The sons of old Penn themselves occupied a large share of the limelight, while a colorful crowd of about 16,000 yelled itself hoarse in appreciation of the stirring happenings.”
1923. The Relays welcome teams from all over as Florida and Kansas invade Franklin Field along with 213 other colleges and schools.
1924. Gene Oberst of Notre Dame sets a meet record in the javelin with a throw of 196-2 5/8, more than eight feet better than the previous mark.
1925. The design for the Penn Relays plaque and medal is executed by Dr. R. Tait McKenzie in time for the meet. It shows Benjamin Franklin, founder of the University, seated in a chair modeled from his library chair, holding a laurel sprig in his left hand. He greets four runners, shaking the hand of the first, while the last holds a baton. Posing for the medal were former Penn athletes Larry Brown, Louis Madeira, George Orton and Ted Meredith. At the bottom of the relief is a lightning bolt, symbolic of Franklin’s explorations in the nature of electricity.
1926. The installation of a loudspeaker, which replaced the use of megaphones on the part of the announcers, is a great advancement in terms of informing the spectators, and complemented the scoreboard, an earlier innovation of the Penn Relays.
1927. Mercersburg Academy once again demonstrates its dominance in the 440-yard relay, winning for the third straight year. Mercersburg would claim the event nine times in the first 11 years it was contested.
1928. A rain-drenched week culminates with the south wall falling while fans strain to watch Charley Paddock win a featured 175-yard sprint. Paddock successfully hurdles bricks and fans en route to setting a world record.
1929. Finnish legend Paavo Nurmi causes the crowd to swell to 50,000 fans according to the New York Times. And he does not disappoint, winning the two-mile in 9:15.4 and the three-mile in 14:29.2.
1930. In response to a survey of spectators, the 440- and 880-yard relays are altered to consist of complete laps. Until then, the two sprint relays had started in the straightaway chute, which began on the sprint straight near 33rd Street, and finished in what is now the paddock at the northwest corner of the stadium.
1931. Hamilton Collegiate Institute of Ontario pulls off an impressive double, winning both the two-mile and distance medley relays “despite the shackles imposed on them by a persistent drizzle, biting cold and chill winds,” according to Arthur Daley of the New York Times.
1932. Penn’s George Munger, who would become a College Football Hall of Famer as Penn’s gridiron coach, wins the decathlon as the Inquirer calls him “this tow-headed gallant of the gridiron.”
1933. Manhattan gained its first Championship of America by setting an American mark of 10:14.0 in the distance medley relay.
1934. Among the honorary referees for the meet were Pennsylvania Gov. Gifford Pinchot and future Olympic Chairman Avery Brundage as Kansan Glenn Cunningham claimed the mile run in 4:11.8.
1935. Columbia — led by future indoor world recordholder Benjamin Washington Johnson — sweeps the 440- and 880-yard relays. Johnson would miss an opportunity to run with Jesse Owens and the contingent of black Americans at the 1936 Olympics because of injury at the Trials.
1936. Texas wins the 440-yard relay in 41.1, a meet record that would stand until 1956, while Ohio State’s Jesse Owens claims victory in the 100-yard dash, the broad jump and the sprint medley relay.
1937. Indiana’s four-mile foursome of Mel Truitt, Jimmy Smith, Tom Deckard and Don Lash shaved more than 30 seconds off of the meet record, posting a 17:16.1 that would stand in Relays’ annals until 1958.
1938. North Texas became the first team to break the 10-minute barrier in the distance medley relay, clocking 9:59.4. No other team would break that barrier again for 18 years as Alvin Chrisman, Henry Morgan, Wayne Rideout and Blaine Rideout made Relays’ history.
1939. John Woodruff anchors Pitt to three wins and two meet records, coming from behind in each race. Wrote Arthur Daley of the Times, “With that running marvel Ol’ John Woodruff unreeling one of his effortless anchor legs, Pitt won the sprint medley championship that had seemed ordained for it from the start.”
1940. Good thing there was no snow and no Santa Claus present. Arthur Daley of the TImes: “The one-mile invitation run was a farce, although Penn insists on billing it as the feature attraction … The crowd even booed while the waltz was in progress.”
1941. Leslie MacMitchell — called a ‘junior edition of Superman’ — clocked a 4:09.4 anchor leg to give New York University the four-mile crown. He also ripped off a :48.3 leg in the mile relay, but the Violet lost that event to Indiana.
1942. Brooklyn’s Bishop Loughlin broke its own record in the high school mile relay, finishing in 3:22.6, a time unsurpassed for the next 15 Carnivals. The foursome of Vincent Mannix, Dick Inglima, Larry Schmidt and Frank Fuerst became members of the Wall of Fame in 2003.
1943. In the midst of World War II, Army was a popular winner in the half-mile relay, finishing in 1:28.2. The Academy would win seven Championship of America events between 1943 and 1946.
1944. Future Olympic Gold medalist Barney Ewell — representing Camp Lee — won the long jump (24-2 1/8) at the 50th Penn Relays.
1945. The Penn Relays comply with the Office of Defense Transportation, which began limiting gatherings in February. Ninety percent of the invitations went to teams within a 20-mile radius of campus as the ODT stated “although such athletic events as the Penn Relays are important, ODT wants sports plans made in accordance with wartime needs.”
1946. Illinois — long a participant of the Drake Relays — ventured to Philadelphia and left with two major titles behind national champion Herb McKenley. The Illini claimed the sprint medley with McKenley leading off and the quarter-mile relay with him on anchor.
1947. NYU freshman Reggie Pearman beat Illinois’ Herb McKenley in a duel to the tape in the mile relay. The New York Times had written that it was vindication for Pearman, who “had pussyfooted NYU to third place in a four-mile relay.”
1948. Boys High of Brooklyn ended Bishop Loughlin’s dominance in the mile relay and took the quarter-mile relay as well. Roger Montgomery, James Gathers and James Conaway were on both relay winners.
1949. Cornell’s Charlie Moore — a future Gold medalist — wins his first of three 440-yard hurdles. Following Moore was another three-time champion — Morgan State’s Josh Culbreath (1953-55). There has not been another since.
1950. To-be-astronaut Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin takes fifth in the pole vault for Army at 12-6. The following year he’d finished tied for second, clearing 13-0.
1951. At the urging of Ken Doherty, the Relays began a push to further increase the number of participants and heighten spectator interest. Doherty oversees the widening of the track to the inside, which added six lanes. The inner lanes also provide better viewing from the stands.
1952. A senior hurdler from Williams College — Yankee owner George Steinbrenner — competes at the Relays. Steinbrenner has continued his connection and commitment to the Carnival through the Friends of the Penn Relays.
1953. Morgan State College took the quarter- and half-mile relays with Olympian Art Bragg as the anchor. Bragg also completed a triple with an individual victory in the 100-yard dash.
1954. Eight different colleges — Morgan State, Cornell, Manhattan, Fordham, Indiana, Michigan, Oklahoma State and Army — took the eight Championship of America crowns for the first time since 1927. It would not happen again until 1991. The women have never had eight different victors.
1955. Not only did St. John’s of Brooklyn win the high school boys’ two-mile Championship of America, it and four other teams surpassed the previous record set in 1941. Mercersburg Academy had actually run faster in 1936, the last year prep schools were allowed to race, but the mark was disallowed as the high school record.
1956. In his first year with the title of Director, Ken Doherty establishes several events for post-collegiate athletes — the series of events now known as the Olympic Development events.
1957. Bob McMurray of Morgan State runs a :45.9 anchor leg in the mile relay as his team finished third, but Greg Bell of Indiana wins the first Most Outstanding College Athlete Award by long jumping 26-1 1/2 and starring as the anchor for the Hoosiers in two events.
1958. St. Francis Prep of Brooklyn broke the national mile relay record with a time of 3:17.5 as Frank Hegarty ran away from the rest in a blistering :50.5 leadoff leg. Hegarty was the first recipient of the Most Outstanding High School Athlete Award.
1959. Abilene Christian — paced by star Bill Woodhouse — blew out the competition in both the quarter- and half-mile relays. In between, Woodhouse broke the Relays’ record in winning the 100-yard dash with a time of :09.5.
1960. Don Webster of Kennett Square Consolidated in suburban Philadelphia stirs up the Saturday morning crowd by running down a competitor on the anchor leg of the mile relay. His split was in the 47-second range. Webster would do the same thing as a senior in 1961.
1961. The first telecast of ABC’s “Wide World of Sports” takes place from the Relays with Jim McKay on the infield.
1962. Women’s events first began at the Relays with a 100-yard dash. The following spring sees the first women’s Olympic Development relay.
1963. Washington’s Brian Sternberg comes cross country to win the pole vault, setting a meet record of 16-5 in the process. That mark was 10 inches higher than the previous record and wouldn’t be beaten until 1971.
1964. Overshadowed by Florida A&M’s Bullet Bob Hayes winning open 100- and 220-yard races, the Jamaican high schools make their first appearance at the Carnival. Now nearly 30 high schools (and a large portion of the fans) represent the Caribbean island.
1965. Bob Beamon of Jamaica High in New York is named as the Athlete of the Meet after soaring 49-5 in the newly-established triple jump. Three years later at the Olympics in Mexico City, Beamon would go nearly half that distance (29-2) in a single bound.
1966. The Relays get some competition from the Big Apple as the New York Relays are established as a one-day meet at Randalls Island. Penn draws nearly 500 high schools anyway as many New York schools opt to compete in both events.
1967. Records galore as sun shines on the inauguration of the $200,000 synthetic track, which replaces the cinders, mud and dust of previous years.
1968. Larry James runs the first sub-44 second quarter mile ever with his anchor leg in the meet’s closing event, the mile relay. James comes from behind to give Villanova the win and its fifth relay championship that year, the first time the feat had been accomplished.
1969. Denis Fikes of Rice High in New York overcame a 40-yard deficit on the mile leg of the distance medley relay to give his squad the Championship of America. Fikes, now known as D. Elton Cochran-Fikes, would later star at Penn and today holds a post in the school’s athletic department.
1970. John Carlos won the open 100-yard dash in :09.2, the fastest time ever in the East. Neil Amdur of the New York Times pointed out that Carlos “lost a chance to equal his world record 9.1 seconds or run the first 9-seconds flat by throwing up his arms as a symbol of victory and straightening his body five yards from the finish line.”
1971. Following rains and stiff wind gusts, the Times reported that the track looked “like the biggest litter basket in town.” That didn’t stop Marty Liquori from leading Villanova to victory in the distance medley with a 4:04.1 anchor leg.
1972. North Carolina Central — led by Athlete of the Meet Larry Black — dominates the Carnival with meet and national collegiate records in the mile relay and sprint medley.
1973. The host Quakers — led by two-time NCAA Champion Bruce Collins — wins its second of three straight 4×120-yard shuttle hurdle relay Championships of America.
1974. Following his performance — a still-standing record of 3:53.2 in the mile — North Carolina’s Tony Waldrop changed into a jersey that read “Run For Fun” before doing interviews. He told the New York Times, “I want to run for fun. I tried for the Olympics in 1972, but never again. The pressure of the Olympic Trials is too great. It just isn’t any fun at all.”
1975. After running a 3:56.3 anchor mile in cool and wet conditions to give Villanova a distance medley victory, Eamonn Coghlan told the media that he appreciated the “Irish weather.”
1976. The Carnival switches to a metric orientation as yard distances are abandoned in all events but the 4×120-yard shuttle hurdles and the mile run.
1977. Arizona State sets a meet record in the men’s 4×400 with a mark of 3:01.9, a record that would stand for 27 years until the University of Florida sizzled to a 3:01.1 in 2004.
1978. In the first three-day Penn Relays, one of its all-time greats, Mark Belger of Villanova, caps off an outstanding Relay career that featured 10 relay championships, including serving as anchor on four consecutive 4x800m winners for the Wildcats. Belger was inducted into the inaugural Relays Wall of Fame class of 1994.
1979. Renaldo Nehemiah of Maryland turns in amazing come-from-behind anchor legs to win the 4x200m and 4x400m on a gloomy, drizzly day. Nehemiah had earlier anchored the winning shuttle hurdles team as well. Making his first appearance at the Relay in the fourth-grade shuttle relay is Robert E. Lamberton Elementary’s Jon Drummond, who would eventually win five sprint titles as a collegian and post-collegian.
1980. Carol Lewis, just a 16-year-old junior at Willingboro High in New Jersey, broke her own meet record with a long jump of 20-4, more than a foot better of her record. It was also a Franklin Field record as the college women could not better it.
1981. One of America’s great distance runners, Kim Gallagher of Upper Dublin High in Fort Washington, Pa., wins the mile run for the second time, with this one coming in a record 4:25.3.
1982. Villanova’s amazing run of 16 straight distance medley relay Championships of America came to end when John Gregorek of Georgetown made up 35 meters on the anchor leg. “Before the race,” said Gregorek, “I told myself whatever distance I was behind, I would take three laps to make it up.”
1983. The No. 1 sprinter in the world — Carl Lewis — ran a Relays’ record :10.09 in the open 100-meter dash. That record remains, although Nike’s Asafa Powell was one-hundreth of a second off pace in 2006.
1984. The Tennessee Lady Vols become the first women’s team to have three champions in a single carnival, including the collegiate record in the 4×800-meter relay (8:20.22) anchored by Joetta Clark. Villanova was on the Vols’ heels while the third-place team was 150 meters behind.
1985. Penn State wins the 4x800m relay, finishing in 7:11.17, which now stands as the longest lasting men’s college relay record while Arkansas dominated with four relay and four individual championships.
1986. William Reed of Central High in Philadelphia runs the fastest 400-meter splits in Relays’ high school history, clocking 45.32 and 45.10. Meanwhile, John Trautmann of Monroe-Woodbury High ran a national high school record 8:05.8 in the 3,000.
1987. Jim Tuppeny’s last year as meet director sees three teams break the world record in the distance medley. Georgetown barely edges Villanova and Mount St. Mary’s on a chilly, rain-splattered day.
1988. Marty Stern’s Villanova women’s distance medley relay — anchored by star Vicki Huber — sets a record of 10:48.38. The record still stands as no team has been within six seconds of the mark in the last 15 years.
1989. The Philadelphia Inquirer predicted a Mount St. Mary’s victory in the Championship of America distance medley which “really hacked us off,” said Arkansas’ Joe Falcon. “We could probably pull someone out of the stands and be competitive here.” The Razorbacks won the DMR in 9:20.10, a record that remains to this day.
1990. Arizona State’s Maicel Malone becomes the first woman to break 50 seconds in a 400-meter split, with a time of :49.8. The following year she’d lower that to :49.5. No collegian female has broken 50 since.
1991. Rocket Ismail made all the headlines simply by competing in the 100-meter dash, but Jon Drummond won a close race over James Jett, 10.23 to 10.24. George Mason freshman Diane Guthrie made a splash, winning the long jump (21-6) and the heptathlon (5,648).
1992. Carl Lewis and his Santa Monica Track Club breaks a world record in the 4×200-meter relay in 1:19.11. Teammate Leroy Burrell was less than pleased with the performance, saying, “No reason we can’t run 1:18-low.” The other members of the foursome were Floyd Heard and Mike Marsh.
1993. The Most Outstanding High School Athlete of the Meet is awarded to a girl from Vere Tech of Jamaica for the seventh straight year. Claudine Williams ran two anchor splits of 53.0 in the 4x400m and a 2:13.2 in the 4x800m as Vere won both.
1994. Jeff Hollobaugh from Track & Field News reported, “The gods of relay racing smiled upon Franklin Field for the 100th running of the Penn Relay Carnival. The sunshine was so splendid that the all-time attendance record (from ’58) was trampled by 43,830 onlookers on Saturday.”
1995. Suziann Reid was named Athlete of the Meet for the high school girls after running the fastest 400-meet split in Relays history, a sensational 52.1 as her Eleanor Roosevelt team of Greenbelt, Md., took third. In 1999, running for Texas, Reid became the first woman to take Athlete of the Meet as both a high schooler and collegian.
1996. Tennessee’s Lawrence Johnson becomes the first (and still only) person to clear 19-0 in the pole vault at the Relays. Despite windy conditions, he had three good attempts at 19-3, which would have been a collegiate record.
1997. Despite a Relays’ record 3:08.72 and an all-time best split of 45.08, Obea Moore of John Muir High in Pasadena, Calif., said, “I wasn’t happy at all. We ran a 3:08, but I’m not going to be happy until we break the record.” The record he was referring to was the national high school mark of 3:07.40 set in 1985.
1998. World recordholder Maurice Greene led off and world recordholder Michael Johnson anchored Nike International’s victorious 4×200-meter relay while Marion Jones anchored Nike’s American record in the same event for the women.
1999. Seneca Lassiter of Arkansas anchored three winners for the Razorbacks and gave a salute to the crowd by raising the baton in the final turn of the 4×800-meter Championship of America. “I’m never one to boast or anything, but [I did that] because it was my last race in an Arkansas jersey, and the crowd has been so good to me over the years.”
2000. The “USA versus The World” races begin. The inaugural event includes the men’s and women’s 4x100m and 4x400m, with the USA Red team of Chryste Gaines, Torri Edwards, Inger Miller and Marion Jones putting down a sizzling :43.22 in the one-lapper and Angelo Taylor, Antonio Pettigrew, Tyree Washington and Michael Johnson finishing the four laps in a record 2:56.60.
2001. Michael Johnson’s farewell appearance in the U.S. highlights a week of record-breaking attendance while high schooler Alan Webb of South Lakes High in Virginia takes his second Athlete of the Meet Award. He ran an all-time best 1:49.1 split for 800 meters after posting an all-time best 3:59.9 in the 1600 the year prior.
2002. Trinidad & Tobago’s El Dorado High — featuring standouts Marc Burns and Darrel Brown — sets a meet record in the 4×100-meter Championship of America with a time of :40.15. The successful defense of the school’s 2001 title, prompted the headline “El Dorado Still U.S. Relay Kings” back on the island.
2003. LSU become the first women’s program to win four Championship of America events in a single Carnival. The Tigers have won 23 titles and are now closing in on Villanova’s all-time mark of 26. The Longhorns of Texas are third with 21. All three programs claimed victories in 2006.
2004. The Florida Gator 4×400-meter relay of Sekou Clarke, Reggie Witherspoon, Stefan Pastor and Kerron Clement erase the long-standing record of 3:01.9 set by Arizona State in 1977. LSU was on the Gators’ heels in 3:01.39.
2005. South Carolina’s Tiffany Ross-McWilliams becomes the first athlete, male or female, to claim both the relays and individual Athlete of the Meet Awards. The Gamecocks won four relays (with Ross-McWilliams running a 50.7 400m split) while she also claimed the 400m hurdles title in :55.70.
2006. A team from Kenya edged the USA to set a world record in the ‘USA vs. the World’ distance medley relay. Alex Kipchirchir passed Bernard Lagat on the final leg to win the race in 9:15.56, less than a tenth-second ahead of the Americans.
2007. The Ivies make a comeback. Led by Brown graduate Anna Willard, the Michigan women break two longest-standing Penn records while the 4x800m Columbia men, anchored by Liam Boylan-Pett, became the first Lion squad to win a Relay Championship of America since 1933.
2008. Olympic 400-meter champion Jeremy Wariner made his first appearance at the Relays and anchored his USA team to a title in the 4×400 USA vs. The World. Afterward he told the media that he would be the first runner to ever dip below 43 seconds for a single lap. His anchor time on the Relay was :43.88.
By Brett Hoover. May not be reprinted without permission.